Coping with the feeling that you have lost your identity

You have had a baby and from now on you will never just be (Insert your name here) from now on you are someone’s mum.

Although this is a very exciting title to have it can make you feel lost.

Your lifestyle has probably changed quite a bit and thinking back to the carefree girl you were pre pregnancy the new version of you can seem completely unrecognisable. You may not do the hobbies that you used to enjoy. The things that used to absorb you and hold your interest may no longer do so.

Perhaps your wardrobe no longer fits or maybe if you are breastfeeding your pre baby clothes aren’t practical for getting easy access to your boobs. It could be that actually your old wardrobe gives very easy instant access to your boobs but that now you are a mother you no longer feel that they are suitable for your new role.

I used to love make-up pre babies. And I still do but unless on deaths door you were very unlikely to catch me without make up on. It wasn’t that I felt I couldn’t leave the house without it, I just adored using it. Although, when I first started suffering with adult acne my foundation was a bit of a crutch to give me the confidence to go out in public. However, it’s the complete opposite for me now, I am normally barefaced and catching me wearing make-up is more of a rarity.

In my case and from speaking to other mums there seems to be one change in your new life that makes you feel lost and disconnected from the you, pre baby.

The thing that I really struggled with and if I am honest still struggle with occasionally now is my clothing.

I have felt the loss of and mourned my pre baby self through my clothes on more than one occasion.

It all began whilst pregnant with my first baby.

When doing up the baby’s room we needed to clear out all of the things that didn’t fit the room’s new purpose. Prior to this all of my clothes were in the wardrobe in the spare room. Obviously the baby didn’t need my clothes in his room and it made sense as I took them out of his room to have a clear out.

Knowing that I was very attached to my clothes my friend and husband had set aside an evening to help me go through everything and move it all into my own room.

I hadn’t realised at the start of the process that woven into the fabric of every item of clothing was the core of who I was. My very identity was stitched into each garment. Each item reminded me of my past achievements, of happy times, of the very life that I had created and I wasn’t prepared to give it up.

I remember crying over giving up a denim mini skirt with a frayed hem. I didn’t really like the skirt anymore and hadn’t even worn it for the last couple of years but it was the item that broke me.

It was ten years old. It was the skirt that I had bought for myself with my own money from my first weekend job. My first steps into financial independence. It was the skirt that I was wearing the first time that I kissed my husband (or boyfriend back then). It was the skirt that I wore most nights on holiday in Spain where my husband and I would sit at a restaurant talking excitedly about our hopes and dreams for our future. It was the skirt that I was wearing when I discovered that I had got into University to follow my dream of teaching. It was the skirt I wore when I got the keys to our first flat.

I didn’t plan that I would wear that skirt on all of these significant occasions in my life it just panned out that way.

At the time I couldn’t even put into words why I found it so hard to part with the skirt, to be honest I don’t think that I even knew back then. All I did know was that in that moment I blamed my husband and friend for trying to make me part with it as it made me feel so desolate, lost and broken. Their reasonable arguments that I hadn’t worn it in ages and wouldn’t miss it fell on death ears. Although, I knew that I wouldn’t want to wear that skirt and push the pram with my new baby in, I also knew that I couldn’t part with it.

Needless to say I ended up keeping the skirt in that first initial cull.

I got rid of quite a few clothes in that first round but knew deep down that over time lots of other clothes would eventually make the cut and that it wasn’t a question of if but when the skirt would be leaving.

Obviously when I was pregnant I had a wardrobe full of maternity clothes and I fully embraced that and didn’t mind one bit. It was once baby was here that I realised that my identity was linked to my clothes.

I had always planned to breastfeed and had bought some breastfeeding clothes in preparation.

What I hadn’t planned for was the feeling of being trapped by having to wear feeding clothes. I never pumped as I couldn’t so for the whole first year of my baby’s life we were inseparable, at least at feeding time anyway. Where ever I went (the cow) the baby followed.

Pretty early on I worked out that I could just use a vest top and t-shirt to create my own feeding clothes and therefore could wear my pre pregnancy jeans and t shirts. As I was back in my old clothes there shouldn’t have been a problem, in theory.

I remember moaning to a friend one day about feeling like I had lost my identity due to the fact that every day I had to wear my feeding uniform and was no longer free to decide what I wanted to wear. My friend then commented that even pre pregnancy I spent most of my time in jeans and a t-shirt when not at work. This was true but it was the fact that before I was choosing to and if I had wanted to I always had the option to wear something else whereas now there were a lot of ‘rules’ that went along with my clothes which all centred around my baby’s needs and wants and not mine.

My clothes were the one thing that made me feel like a complete stranger compared to the girl I was before having a baby.

It was exactly the same situation when I had my second baby. I once again felt the loss of myself. Yes, I felt an even greater distance to the girl I was before having babies but what surprised me was the loss I felt for the person who was the mother to my son.

Am I that shallow? Do I really believe that ‘the clothes maketh the man’? No. Do I dress to impress others? No. I dress to please myself/ match my mood etc.

What I do know is that my identity was wrapped up in my clothes and what that represented to me.

So what has this got to do with you?

If you find yourself feeling lost and miss the person that you used to be, be kind to yourself. Know that in time you will find the new you and chances are she is going to be such an improved and awesome version of your old self. You just need to give her time to share her new skills and abilities with you. You are on a journey. You are growing and changing and yes change can be scary and it is different but different isn’t bad it is just that, different.

I love the new me and wouldn’t want to go back to the girl pre babies, I just needed some time to learn to adjust and get to know this new and improved version.